Vanessa, V
After you no longer get my phone calls, I imagine you will check my deviantART page... eventually, though this could be months, years or decades in the waiting. Since I have no other way to make contact with you, I only hope for whatever reason you will be led back to this page and consequently the last thing I write or say to you.
I apologize if my writing is evasive in its language but seeing as this journal entry is in the public eye I'll let you use your common sense and fill in between the lines. Onto what I have to say...
I'm sorry that I ever spoke to you about my leaving, I never intended to hurt you but I wanted to give you the chance to say goodbye... or perhaps it was more myself who wanted to say goodbye. Well, either way, I shouldn't have told you the truth. I should have stuck to my unexplainable and yet apparently believable story and you would have been none the wiser but all the happier - ah, what is the saying, ignorance is bliss? So, I'm sorry it had to end this way.
You had no influence in the end, let that be known... though I don't know if that will make you feel worse or not, I've lost any care for your thought and feelings what with you hurting me more than I can ever do to you. To be honest, you only sped up the process as today or tomorrow will be the day I leave if all goes well. I wasn't going to do it the day I called you, and I made that clear. I understand that you had to call them but you did not even manage to delay as I wasn't planning to move until you got back on the 17th or later, and seeing as I got out only on the 10th it had no effect... to be brutally honest, maybe you did have an influence but not the one you intended. I won't ever be sure... but I was feeling better maybe even hopeful when I got out, and then I checked my voicemail and your message certainly threw me back down into a pit and chained with despair.
I reiterate though: I won't ever be sure it was that that forced me off the edge. Perhaps you just shook me free of delusion, not of hope, seeing as the end was inevitable as your support was limited and the loss of it should hardly have any effect. It was really just a difference of "little" and "nothing", and little is not enough to live on for long. So maybe I should be thanking you, not condemning you (which I will be in a moment), but as I near my move I realize the hope - or delusions - were a comfort and it would have been nice to leave thinking that you were there for me even if it never made a difference.
I'm straying too far from what I want to say in attempt to explain everything... I'm going to stop that now and just get to what I want to say to you.
Your betrayal was the worst I ever had to endure (and no, I'm not referring to when you called them). It was the most hard-hitting and certainly the most unexpected. The other betrayals (not from you, others) were expected or at least seen as plausible... theirs were like a shakily agreed upon peace treaty or armistice that went awry and yours was like a long-standing, unbreakable alliance... brotherhood... slitting the other's throat. True, I knew you for a short time but you were the only - and I am not exaggerating here, you were literally the only - person who I trusted and who I thought truely cared about me and accepted everything I was. You could understand me more than anyone, hell you can tell my mood over the phone just by my tone and even what I was doing in some cases by the way I talked. I'm suprised you didn't know earlier what I was up to since you are so intuitive to me.
I thought you were my twinflame (in a non-romantic sense) and then you go and... and you did worse than just say "I don't want to talk to you anymore" but you get someone else to do it for you, and on top of that you act as though it was harassment and threaten action if I ever contact you again ...
If you happen to be reading this years later perhaps you've forgotten what you did. And for your sake I hope you do forget, what an awful thing you did... you told me to call you when you got back, but no, that was a blatant lie. You never intended to have me talk to you again. And with that I only was left one support.
Andrea
I'm sorry for putting you through all this... but you're gone in December. After that I would be completely alone. I couldn't bare going through a final loss with someone I cared about so much... so I was prepared early. If you happen to find out what you could have done to prevent this and when I asked you had said, "No"... don't feel guilty about it. My request was a hard one to comply with, if not impossible. Perhaps if I had let you know the importance of the question and the holding it had your answer would have been different. Even so...
So, again, sorry, and I care very much for you.
